Mommy Wars - probably not

I have been one of those Moms who really doesn't buy into the Mommy War stuff , and I am not sure I do even now, but I sure have experienced something that felt like Mommy War backlash recently.  Maybe it was just a mean Mom, or Maybe she is unhappy with her life, or maybe she was just having a bad day.  Regardless, she took it out on me and man did it sting!

It all started when I saw my youngest son walking back from our neighbors jungle gym with his head hung low.  We live in a neighborhood with large open yards, ideal for kids to run around and play outside.  This is the type of neighborhood I grew up in.  We spent many hours playing with the neighborhood kids, learning how to navigate the give and take of getting along and using our imaginations to have fun.

I wondered what had happened. He told me that his friend's Mom told him he could not play over at his house with his friends.  My heart sank, "Jack-Jack" had experienced the neighbor's older daughter on previous occasions telling him to leave, but neighbor Mom had always scolded her daughter to be nice.  We had just been over the other evening with all the kid's swimming together and getting along fine.  On this day there were a couple other boys over at our neighbor's house.  They all attended pre-school together and are entering Kindergarten in the fall.  Their jungle gym is in view from my yard, so when the boys called Jack-Jack over I told him he could go.  As things go, something happened.  I have no idea what, but I suspect a typical 5 year old debate over a rule of some game or who goes first , or one of the many disputes that come up.  Usually these are easily resolved by telling the kids they need to work together and get along, but this time neighbor Mom handled it by asking her son and the other 2 boys if they wanted Parker to leave.  (That is what I was told by the Mom) They said yes, so she sent him home.

Okay,  I told him, I'll play with you in the yard.  A short time later, the kids called  Jack-Jack to come over again.  "Can I Mom?", he asked.  "Yes, of course, but I'll go over with you and talk to Mrs. "Next door neighbor".

I went over, walking through in my mind the best way to approach this to not make it confrontational.  I do this at work all the time.  I can deal with major issues, people's careers, millions of dollars at stake - I should have the skills to talk this through with my neighbor.  Up to now we have had a nice relationship.  Kids playing together, glasses of wine, parties.  At least that's what I thought.....

So I went over, but she was in the house so I knocked on the door to the kitchen from the garage and called her " Hey, do you have a minute?".  I told her that the kids  had asked Parker over again and knowing that she had sent him home earlier I just wanted to let her know.   I can't really precisely say what happened next, but she went outside to the Jungle gym to find out who asked him over.  I basically said I really don't think it's a problem, they're getting along fine.

Then she hit me.  Not literally, but she might as well have.  Apparently, there was a list of annoyances that she had been building up.

• "Jack-Jack" had come over and rang their door bell asking her son to play "10 times over the past year during dinner time!" 
• If your son wants to play send me a text message!
• She ranted that what kind of person let's their kid ring the door bell at dinner time!
• Everyone knows that dinner time is between 5:30 and 6:30!  
• You eat late and that is just UN-AMERICAN to eat late
• And that day he came over the afternoon of Father's day.  How inconsiderate that was!  That is a special day to spend with their Father.
• I've talked to other parents about all this and they think it's strange too!
• And your kids go to bed late 
• And,,,  YOU ARE A BAD MOM!

Ouch......

Okay so I tried to defend myself, but she really wasn't interested in talking, she wanted a fight.  I stood there thinking, "Does she really want to go down this path?  Our kids are the same age.  They are going to be in school together for the next 12 years.  We live next door.  Why would she pick a fight?"

I tried to calm the situation down with my responses.

• I didn't realize your dinner times were so set.. We usually eat later.  I don't leave work until 5 and get home at 6.  I grew up eating at 8 pm more often than not so that we could all eat as a family (I thought that was America, at least my version of America)
• Tell me what time my kids should not ring your door bell so we can respect your dinner hours - She never did answer that one.
• I wont micromanage my kid's life, I want them to learn how to ring a door bell and  ask if their friend may come out to  play.  ( I am always watching from the end of the sidewalk, but maybe she doesn't know that)
• The benefit of living in a neighborhood like ours is that the kids can run around and play in each other's yards, your kid's are always welcome at our house.
• Sorry about Father's day, but for both Mother's and Father's Day I think a card is nice and that is that.  We invest a ton of time and love into our kids and neither my husband or I need a special day.  Plus Dad is at home full time so his idea of Father's day may have a different meaning.
• My kids may go to bed late, but they are always at the bus stop and at school on time.  (Not the case for someone else's children , but I bit my tongue on that one)
• Really, you are going around criticizing me with other parents?  Nice.  
• Finally, I told her that if she didn't want any neighbor kids in the yard, then she should consider putting up a fence, but until then I wasn't going to police my kids from playing with friends.

That's about all I said.  I could of gone down to her level and pointed out her numerous short comings, but once those words come out, you cant pull them back.  

I didn't defend the Bad Mom comment, I really don't care what she thinks about me as a Mom.  I care what my husband thinks and my kids think, and ultimately on the outcome.  We all have our own opinions, but I know in my heart I'm a GOOD MOM.  Some days I'm a great Mom, other day's not so great, but I work really hard to keep my priorities straight.  Are my kids perfect angels?  Hardly.  Do I think I do what is right for my kids.  Absolutely.  I also think every parent has to decide for themselves how they can be the best parent to raise their kids into Adulthood.  Each kid is different and each family is unique.  Do what works for you, but don't judge my way so harshly.  

Mommy Wars?  No, probably not.  Mean Mom, maybe.  Unhappy Mom, probably.  I hope she finds a way to feel better about herself because I ultimately think this was more about her than me.  

I feel better already myself.  - Time to go bake cookies.

On the Road Again

Probably the only upside to the economic disaster of the past couple years was that many of us had our travel budgets cut drastically to tighten corporate belts. For me this was definately the case. Both myself and my family became very used to me being around all the time. With the exception of occasional evening conference calls with colleagues in distant time zones I spent most of 2009 on the ground and more importantly home for dinners, baths, and bedtime stories.

Now 2010 has rolled in, not only with the hint of recovery, but for me a new job also. That means I have taken to the skies again and I have been making up for lost frequent flier miles quickly. I set this ridiculous goal in my mind to visit all the sites that I am responsible for in my new job in 6 weeks. This is a self-imposed torture, but I enjoy that part of my job. Meeting with the people who actually add value versus overhead is energizing.

So sadly, having just got home this morning, I am prepping to head out again tomorrow afternoon. I told my 5 year old that I was sorry for having to leave again. He responded, "I don't mind", as if I had just told him I was going to the grocery store. Maybe the LEGOs I came home with this moring were a bit too good of a travel gift?

The volcanic eruption several weeks ago seems to have been my only saving grace and I find myself this Saturday evening hoping that it's current disruption of the airspace in Spain creeps over to Switzerland so that I don't have to catch an aiplane Sunday afternoon. hmmmm. If not, I know they sell LEGOs in the Brussels airport.

Buggers!

So I'm sitting in an audit meeting at work, trying to look like the responsible leader that I am, when I notice that I have dried buggers all over my arm! To make it even worse, it's 3 pm, so I've been walking around with buggers on my arm ALL DAY long.

I slowly place my arm beneath the table, away the observent eyes of the inspectors (I do work in the medical product business). How many people did I meet with today in this condition? Did they notice? Were they just too polite to ask about the gunk on my arm?

I didn't even have to wonder how they got there. Jack-Jack has been spewing from his nose for a week now. A combination of a cold and teething. He's not very cooperative when it comes to getting his nose wiped so I have several tactics that I use. The first is to distract him and go in for the quick swipe, hoping I get it all in one hit before he even knows what happened. The second is the full force approach; pin his arms down, keep his head still, and do a good thorough cleaning. There's lots of resistence with this approach so I don't prefer it. The last is the indirect route, but my favorite. Sit him in the bath tub and let him clean up by splashing in the tub. No resistance, lots of fun, it's just not very convienent when I'm rushing out the door.

So, this morning, the quick strike was a failure. He turned his head just as I was going in for his nose and he must have got me on the arm. I had to proceed with the full force approach to complete the task. After that was all over I forgot about the hit on the arm and moved everyone out the door.

And that's how I ended up sitting in a meeting with buggers on my arm. Oh well, I'm a Mom, they'll just have to get over it, I have.

Where did the time go?........

So when I originally started working on this post this is how it went...... Well I survived my first week back at work and not surprisingly so did my kids and my husband. The most drama we had were the few tears I shed on Monday morning as I had to say goodbye to Jack-Jack. Things went surprisingly smooth and our biggest challenge was due to the abundance of snow still remaining on the streets and parking lots in our small town.

That was 3 months ago, it is mid April and I'm am now I am just finishing (or starting) this post. The snow is gone and Spring is here. My Maternity leave seems like a distant memory to me.

Getting back to work the second time around was easier. The logistics of the morning were a little more hectic with two, but I had a little more confidence that this time around my husband knew how to feed and care for a baby. Note, that does not mean I always come home to a baby that has been fed and changed, but the possibility exists!

The bigger challenge I have found about going back to work is re-integrating into the work place. I tried to approach the first week with the benefit of knowledge gained from my last return from Maternity leave. Let's face it, my co-workers had gotten used to working with out me for the 4 months. Some picked up extra duties and others have become used to going to someone else for support and other things have piled up and not gotten done.

My approach:
1. Let people know I'm back!
2. Be visible
3. Keep the stories short
4. Don't look for pity

Letting people know I'm back - This is the first thing I did (actually the night before my return) was to send an email out to my organization that I was back. Thanking them for their support and hard work during my leave was the major theme of the message. Letting them know that I was available and ready to get back to business was the second. When I arrived in the office I made the rounds to say hi to people face to face. Since it was the start of the new year and everyone else was coming back from the Holidays this worked out well. This may seem like an obviouse thing to do, but you would be surprised how often it does not happen.

Being Visible, Be Available - The last time I returned from leave I had a harder time getting back in step with the routine of work. My heart was not completely in it and it showed in my commitment to work. This probably isn't unusual for returning mothers, but it can really be self destructive. Not only do you not want to be at work, but the results of your efforts and time there end up not producing results.

Keeping the stories short - I aslo told myself not to overwhelm people with stories about my baby and what we did on leave. I know most people are not nearly as interested in my baby as I am. All those incredibly amazing stories about smiles, gurgles, pooping, and crying that a Mom cherishes may actually be boring and way too much information for others. So I was careful to wait for people to ask about my baby before I shared and then I kept it at a minimum.

Don't Look for pity - Another area I was sensitive to was that no one feels sorry for you after you just took 4 months off. They have been working all that time - duh. The fact that for the first few months I was in a state of sleep deprivation really doesn't matter. Even other Mom's quickly forget what it was like.

So 3 months have past. I'm enjoying my job and being a Mom to 2 boys and a wife to a third. It's hectic at times and often I find I can't even come close to getting everything done I want to. Priorities tend to cut out the nice to do's - like blogging.

Seasoned travelers

We just returned back to Switzerland after spending the Holidays in the US. As I was sorting through my mail today I opened a notification for an airline "Elite" member Status. Not unusual mail for me as I travel often, except that the notification was for Dash, my 4 year old!

Before I had kids I used to grimace at the sight of young children on a plane, especially on a long flight, but now I understand and cast an understanding look of compassion to parents traveling with kids. Managing kids on the plane is only half the battle, the exhausting part is getting everyone packed, organized and to the airport on time to make the flight. By the time I get on the plane I am so exhausted that I could sleep through a rock concert, unfortunately I usually only get a few nods of sleep as I try to keep an eye on my two boys.

My kids are turning into seasoned travelers at a very young age, especially now that we are living in Switzerland. Dash comfortably navigates airport security lines and train stations. He handles himself like a little trooper, lugging his most prized toys and stuffed animals in his backpack. Even on the long flight over the Atlantic he manages to behave really well, occupying himself with movies when he's not sleeping. Jack-Jack seems to be following in his footsteps, sleeping and eating the whole way with hardly a whimper. They almost always manage to make me proud of them.

Sure they have their lapses, they are kids after all. On one flight my son's bear got launched across the business class cabin into the face of an unsuspecting gentleman. Another time he walked out of the bathroom with his pants and underwear at his ankles calling for me to help him. Everyone that caught sight thought it was very entertaining and my son loves to be an entertainer. That resulted in him pulling the same stunt on the next flight that day. Since then we've had a long talk about pulling his pants up BEFORE he leaves the bathroom!

Hopefully they continue to make me proud as we travel from place to place. They are gaining experiences that I never had at their age. My first flight wasn't till I was about 11 for a family trip to Disney world. The world is different now though, and hopefully this is one way I can help prepare them for their future. To my kids, getting on a plane is as normal as getting on a bus. They will grow up being comfortable with many things that I didn't experience well into my adulthood. Hopefully, along the way, they wont make too many seasoned travelers grimace when they board the airplane and make many more smile when the flight ends and they behaved liked seasoned travelers.

Back to work - me AND my Husband

In one week I will be getting myself ready for work. Hard to believe, but my 4 months of leave have ended and it's time for me to dust of my work clothes and head back to the office.

Not surprisingly part of me is dreading this day. I have so enjoyed being at home with our second child, 4 year old, and my husband. We've travelled, played, relaxed, and enjoyed our time together. I think my 4 year old has especially enjoyed me being at home all day. I'm not sure who will have a harder time with me not being around, my husband or my 4 year old. My infant son will miss me the least. Dad will be there tending to his needs and I will gladly scoop him up each morning and at the end of each work day when I return home. His life will change little.

Dash, my 4 year old, heads back to school the same day. He will likely be more unhappy about not being able to spend the day in his new "Bumblebee Transformer" PJ's. The time I've been able to spend with him while on leave has been just as special as the time with my newborn. We've had many hours of imaginary play and fun excursions. Precious time at a precious age.

My husband, he will undoubtedly have the toughest time. He will be the first to admit that me being home full time means he is on "vacation" from his job as a SAHD. His days of sleeping in and the luxury of napping are ending. I'm not sure why this happens, but it reaffirms my belief that by me working, my husband has an environment where he is a much more involved and engaged father. I parent and care take naturally, and as much as I hate to stereotype myself as a Woman; instinctively. The needs and wants of my kids are first on my list and often I take care of them with out even thinking.

My husband has learned to parent out of necessity, and not having me around to step in or tell him how I would do it, has allowed him to figure out how to do things in a way that works for him. Now somethings will never get done unless I do them (fingernails clipped, cleaning in between the toes), but nothing that is terribly important.

Undoubtedly we will have some adjustments getting used to our back to work schedules and how to juggle our routines with 2 children. We'll be late for school, baths will be missed and I'm sure I will be stressing out next week and barking orders to everyone as I try to get out the door.

The other part of me is looking foward to heading back to work. My adrenaline is spiking just thinking about it! So many things to catch up on, people to meet with, issues to be addressed, decisions to be made. Now I just wish I hadn't eaten so many Christmas cookies as I think about dusting those work clothes off!

Grocery shopping

Little did I know that moving to Switzerland would have the hidden benefit of my husband learning to grocery shop!

I initially tried to "teach" my husband how to grocery shop when we lived in the US. He was very good at going to the store for chips and soda, but nothing else. I even created a inventory check list that he could use prior to going to the store. I thought it would appeal to his sense of organization, but it was to no avail. I can't tell you how many times we have had this conversation:

Elastomom- Can you go to the grocery store today?

Mr.I - I don't know what we need.

Elastomom - Food (sarcasm) Really, look in fridge, what are we short of?

Mr.I - I don't know.

Elastomom - Milk?

Mr.I - Uh, yes.

Elastomom - What else?

Mr. I - I don't know.......

You get the picture. It took me less time to just do it myself.

In Switzerland however, with stores closing at 5 pm and not open at all on Sunday, it became a matter of neccesity for my husband to shop for groceries. Shopping here is not at all like in America. Here you really have to hunt for what you need. Bread at one store, Milk at another, meat and produce somewhere else. I think this challenge appealed to my husband, either that or he realized that it was a better alternative to starving to death. He has searched high and low and found what we need at the different shops in the area. Succesfully finding things like Ritz crackers, sourcream, spaghetti sauce, hot dogs, and wheat sandwhich bread that doesn't taste like cardboard!

So now he is my grocery shopping expert. I don't know if this will last when we return to the US. He'll be back to working in the yard and comfortable in knowing that the grocery store is open 24/7.

Reality Check

I got a good reality check on Multi Tasking in today's busy world while watching Oprah the other day! I am not an avid watcher, but the episode that day featured a woman from the Cincinnati area who had accidently left her 2 yr old in her car and tragically she died of heat stroke. It's hard to believe for most of us that any Mom could possibly do this, but it happens time and time again across the US. I don't hear about it at all in Europe and maybe that has something to do with the lifestyle and culture we lead in the US. We tend to do everything fast, rushing through our day to accomplish as much as we can, and as Women, often taking on more than we can humanly accomplish. Too many of us aspire to be SuperMoms! So yes, this started to hit close to home.

As the show progressed many Moms in the audience shared their own stories of accidents, near tragedies, or mis-haps that they've experienced from being overwhelmed by trying to do too much. Quickly you could see how the audience grasped that these common mishaps were all one step away from a such a terrible tragedy caused by leaving a child in a hot car.

My take Aways from the show

"Just Good Enough" is Absolutely fine: It's not reasonable for us to try to be perfect at all things all of the time. Perfect Kids, spotless house, demanding job, not to mention making sure you are investing time in your marriage. I recently broke down in tears because I did not manage to make the "perfect" Spider Man cake for my 4 year olds birthday. (very silly in hind-sight) I was so upset because I had made really creative birthday cakes and thrown a nice party for our neighborhood friends for his first 3 birthdays. I tried to maintain the same standard this time even though I had just had a baby 2 weeks prior. I ended up making a so-so Spiderman cake that we had after lunch without a party and my 4 year old loved it just the same.


Being There vs. Multi-Tasking: There is no such thing as Multi-Tasking! We just jump from one task to another and don't give our full attention to the moment we are in. I will struggle with this one because I am always trying to maximize my time, but the point is well taken. We often miss very special moments, or even worse, make mistakes, because we are distracted with what we need to do next (or are checking emails on our blackberry). This made me check my priorities to make sure I am giving undivided attention to my family and things I am doing with them when it matters most.

Women supporting Women: Fortunately I have had great experiences with this one. I would say 99% of the women I know both through work and outside have been great sources of support. This includes Moms and co-workers of all sorts: with/w-out kids, WMs/SAHMs, single/married etc. The Ophra show, like a lot of other conversations I have read or heard recently focused on how women tend to tear eacher apart and don't support one another. I'm glad I haven't seen that and will continue to try to dispell that perception by helping out the women I know.

Dad's Role: they get left out of the conversation: I am continuously amazed how conversations around parenting still focus so much on Moms. Dads are (or sould be) 50% of the equation. I think that sometimes we discredit how much they do just because they do it differently than us or set different priorities. I know in my case my husband is a lot less stressed about being perfect and maybe that makes him a better parent than me in some cases. Maybe they are the role models we should be looking at as parents?

Food for thought......

3 weeks of leave

So I am 3 weeks into my leave and yesterday I told my husband that I am ready to go back to work so I can get some rest! I know, I shouldn't expect to get rest with a 3 week old, but sometimes being at home is not as restful as people think.

My "mommy" gene (or whatever) kicks in when I am home and I can not let myself just sit and rest. I know this to be inherited from my Mom, who after 43 years I have never seen sit through an entire dinner without getting up in the middle of a meal to do something for someone else. There seems to be an endless need for laundry, cooking, cleaning, and playing with our 4 year old. Never mind meeting the needs of a new baby!

When I am at work somehow these things take care of themselves without me. Or actually I think my husband does them. Or maybe they just don't all really matter as much as I think they do. At least the laundy, cooking, and cleaning.

Adjusting to a Dad at home

My husband left his job right before the birth of our 1st son to be at home full time. Prior to that he was travelling M-F, every week. This change certainly required some adjustments on our part!

1st, Seeing each other M-F! Now that I look back on it we were darn lucky to even get pregnant. It seemed both of us spent more time in the air than we did at home together. We had to adjust to our weekday routines - what TV programs did we like, eating habits, exercise routines, even bed time routines! This caused a few bumps. My husband is a night owl and I am a morning person. On the weekends this wasn't so big of a deal, but during the work week I like to be in bed and asleep by 10 pm. He is happy with 1am!

2nd - Money, Money, Money. Wow, I didn't see this one coming, but then I was the one continuing to earn an income. He all of a sudden felt he had no money and was very frustrated. We hadn't fully made the shift to 1 checking and savings accounts so he was used to having his own pool of money for discretionary spending. I had been paying all our bills out of my income and I was still doing that when he first started to stay at home. Solution - 1 account, husband pays all bills. This was a great burden off of my shoulders and something my husband is very good at! He is now happy and now I am the one who has no money!!

3rd - a SAHD is not a SAHM. Different skill sets. We have a great looking yard and a very organized garage! Honestly, my husband is MUCH neater and more organized than I. I am good at clean versus neat, so we actually end up being a good balance to each others weaknesses.

I just had to adjust my expectations of what I would come home to at the end of the day or returning from a business trip. We do have one of the best looking yards in the neighborhood though!

Why I work and Dad Stays at home

This was really quite easy to decide. My husband and I even talked about this when we were dating. Simply put, I love my job AND it pays well. Part of it is the company I work for and the products we make. I am proud of what my company does and truly believe that what we do every day helps change people's lives. I take that to heart in the decisions I make and the priorities I set a work. Sounds corny I know, but I believe it and I sleep well at night.

My job is not glamorous. I work in Operations. I've run manufacturing plants, engineering teams, etc. and now I am running a small company for our organization that has given me broader General Management responsibility. Hopefully we continue to be blessed with a career that I love and a company I enjoy working for.

My husband's job was just a job, and he was happy to walk away from it and start a new chapter in his life as a Stay at home Dad (SAHD) - more in another posting!!